It creeps inside and corrodes my soul. Every fiber of me is shaking. It is restless and yet I don't know that it's already there.

It has been a very long time since I last typed something in this blog. I was torn from worlds and arenas. I was thrown by life into a lot of deep chasms. I was like out of this world yet in this world. It's only now that I thought of writing here again. I don't know if it'll be consecutive though.

I AM AFRAID. I am frightened. I fear. But those aren't feelings like when you watch a horror movie or almost got swiped by a rushing vehicle when you cross the streets. It is not like when you encountered the scariest creature on earth.

No. Instead, it is a kind of fear that I just realized today.

I AM AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.

I realized it when I've come to know more of the person I just simply liked last school semester.

I realized when he was just so nice to me yesterday during our recollection and tonight's night-out.

I have noticed for so long that I get jealous when he talks about other girls or just speak to them so casually. But I had thought that it wasn't new. I have been jealous all the time when guys I like do that. It's normal and I have come to accept it that way that even though it irks me sometimes, I assure myself that it's alright; he's not my special someone to begin with.

But then, after yesterday, something just relived within me. Yesterday, during recollection, we were talking and joking with each other as each of us in our section shared our desires. I was gushing inside throughout my encounter with him but as if I was a professional actress, I built a facade that would not make me slip myself to him, baring my feelings to him like this one girl who very expressively likes him in our section. I made subtle conversations that wouldn't make him notice it at all. It was stupid, as usual. But it's an inherent mechanism in all of us to hide what you really feel from someone you love for fear of rejection. There were so many things that he did yesterday with me that, if I were a normal healthy girl, would made me giggle so much.

He tickled my feet unexpectedly, he rubbed his palm on my back playfully in a mock-comfort when one of our classmates (during sharing) starts to cry or sniff, he arranged the paper that was supposed to be stuck on our backs properly for me,and he took the initiative to high five with me during the peace-giving at mass. Tonight, he invited me to come at a Marathon stuff in Foursquare to praise God, he said (when asked about what his impression about me was) that he likes to hear what I say during our Speech class last semester and that he was intrigued that I desire to 'understand everything' as I said in our recollection, and he asked that all of us would wait for a taxi for me first. All of these may be little things. But all of them touched me.

Because he was being very nice to me. And just now I realized this fear. This fear that if I fall in love with him, I might get hurt again. Although I know that I shouldn't think that. But I have already unconsciously felt fear inside. I don't want to be conceited and say that he likes me back. I don't want to feel conceited and say he might be the one.

But there's a part of me that wishes it would happen and I don't like it. I am afraid. If I fall so hard again...I don't know what to do...I am afraid to love him and yet I can't stop feeling so hurt. Every time he's nice to me, I think to myself that it's just him being nice, nothing else. But I want to hope...

And so I wish that he won't be nice to me anymore. Get away from me...Not speak to me...

Because I might just fall in love with him so hard if he keeps on being nice to me...

And it hurts me so...because I might just get hurt again...Just have to give up again...Just feel so worthless again....

I fear that the more I get to know him and like him....I might not be able to take it when he's near me....I might not be able to put up a facade time and time again.

Because right now...I might really fall in love with him...

And I'm afraid...that I might just lose something again...Lose myself on someone...Lose my feelings for someone...I'm afraid...I'm afraid to hope for nothing...I'm afraid....to fall in love...

But what am I going to do? When without even having proven that I really love him, I'm already hurting this much as to fear his kindness to me??!!!

I still have a long time to go in becoming a good writer. Though, it is pretty frustrating that my fanfic isn't getting many reviews, I feel that I still have to do my best. After all, I don't want to write to get a lot of reviews from readers. I love to write to enchant people. I want to inspire them and all that. Yeah, I still have a long way before that. But, in any case, even if I'm not such a good writer as of now, I still continue to write on and give my best shot. It's my dream after all. It's the only dream that I've really been working hard to come true. The fruits of my labor as a writer might not be satisfying. However, slowly, at least I have improved. I'm happy to know just that. Such happiness I can't get from getting 100 in a prelim grade or becoming a good poetry reader in literature class.

It sucks, of course, that becoming a good writer is what I am bad at the most. Nah, I'm not kidding. Totally. I can't even get right about the sequence of paragraphs in my English test. What more could I do if I write a simple paragraph? Well, that's for formal writing anyway. But, usually, if you're really good at formal writing, you can do well more in informal. Mind you, I've known a lot to prove that. Sigh. I really have a long way.

 

The sunshine held so many wishes                                             

 Wishes' never came true                                                                      

 It makes you hope until the end                                                         

It's like there's no starting point                                                          

And all you see is always the finish line;                                                  

Where the judge raises the flag and stops it all                                  

But you can't start again because it's over

It's always like that                                                                        

Things never get right                                                                             

I want to have a good shout                                                    

Something that will make it ringing in the ears                                         

I want to shout                                                                                       

I want to scream                                                                                 

But all I heard is a lousy croak 

Maybe my voice died away in the battle                                         

Maybe it lost the faith that had been taken away from me                   

Or maybe it is exhausted of everything that happened                 

Events that made every bit of time go wicked                       

Plots just confusing and misunderstandable                                     

That I can't do anything anymore but scream inside     

And it aches so much                                                                        

More hurtful than any beating you'll receive                                     

More destructive than any slap they gave me                                

Everything went down  on my front                                                    

And the world crashed over me                                                            

My world which always been full of fantasies                                      

I've never known I had lived so much;                                                    

I had lived so much that I don't know what and why it happened

I was like a disabled person                                                                  

Only it was deep inside of me                                                             

And I was like that car that has broken down                                        

The pieces on a puzzle that had gone missing                                      

Or a conjoined twin that can't be separated                                      

Maybe I have dreamt so much of everything                                           

I have dreamt so much of a perfect world                                          

And now this is what I got

I thought everything was right                                                                

I kept thinking it was all so perfect                                                      

And now I stared at the world like thrash                                        

Everything fell in front of me                                                               

And I have never felt miserable all my life                                               

I had lived too much in my dreamland;                                              

Without me knowing what I had lived were made-believe; 

I'm dreaming,that is                                                                              

And dreams ate me whole enough                                                        

All the glass shattered,all of me is gone 

And going with the tide is impossible                                                    

As I write this,I'm a writer with many impossibilities                                

Many mistakes and failures                                                                 

But sometimes I don't understand myself                                            

On why I kept on going on,even if I kept losing a page                          

Why I kept walking somewhere without direction                                

On why I kept risking,even though its price is regret                            

And still I'm not asking for any reward  

I'm curious about what the future held for me                                    

What I have left,I tried to cherish                                                       

And so I locked myself from the world                                               

Hence,I realized how austerely I have been living                                  

I just kept myself crying inside                                                                

I just kept all my feelings inside                                                        

Because I'm so afraid,I want to keep it all                                             

And I found out that the world did not abandon me                              

That I had been the one neglecting it all these years  

Maybe it wasn't bad to dream too much                                          

Maybe it wasn't if I hadn't risked too much                                         

Too much pain,too much taking all                                                  

Someday I think I'll explode                                                                 

But it's better than opening up                                                          

Because the pain would keep on remaining                                       

And even the time can't heal it                                                       

However it goes,it would always be there                                          

And my alarm clock won't help                                                      

Nothing does good,nothing can make it evanesce

And what I'm feeling now is a big dream                                         

Maybe I'll wake up and find out it's all just a nightmare                 

Maybe it's all just illusions too                                                        

Maybe it is,and tomorrow I would go back on the day I was born  

All I could see now  is me,standing on my room                             

Sitting on my bed and writing a story                                                     

A novel about me,about everything ,about life                                   

And how everything brought a connection between me and the world inside of me                                                                                       

How everything told me about the truth                                             

The truth which healed my wound like magic                                       

My pain that gave me many lessons                                                  

That which reaped my virtues in living this life                                     

Things happened so fast,and I had been blinded                                     

But now I understand,I could see things clearly

I just hope that the reality I'm seeing now won't become a dreamland anymore                                                                                                

The dreamland where I kept hoping and wishing pointless dreams

Maybe it just taught me how to accept everything                           

Even if it hurts,I could still dream                                                        

I could still hope because I saw the meaning                                     

The logic in everything,the purpose of life                                           

And the purpose of me

   

 

Way back in high school, during my first year, I got a high grade in my English. Our English teacher then assigned those who got a higher grade to help a classmate who got lower scores. There was this agreement that if the tutor and the tutee will pass the next grading, they'll be given ten points in addition. I was reckless. Though I did help my tutee fairly well, I was led into an ironic situation: my tutee passed, I didn't. He was quite considerate. But, his friend mocked me just within my hearing about how I who's supposed to be the tutor got lower. I was indignant but completely hurt so I ran to the girl's bathroom and cried. I, then, promised myself to do better. The next grading, I got a good score (I don't remember) and my tutee didn't. Somehow, it didn't matter if I didn't get the additional ten points. That's because I was satisfied with myself. That was just the beginning.

I used to sigh every time the getting of the cards comes. I usually get jealous about how my friends get higher ranks than me. I feel so far away. I was always thinking that I can't really get in the top ten list called Achievers in class. I am just in the Challengers or so-called B-people. I was really just like that before. Yet, when I became second year, something changed somehow. I didn't know how I changed my perspective. But one thing was clear: I was somewhat dreaming. No, not really dreaming as in sleeping. I meant that goals began to take shape. I don't know if it was the moving of me and my brother to another refuge. But, I'm quite sure that I feel like I can fly. I began to aim high and then slowly got it. Though, I wasn't really able to get it easily but I was more alert.

I realized what I really want to be in the future and what I want to get. Also, I realized that nothing's impossible at all. You see, back then, I was always called stupid because I could never speak well in class, or get high scores whatsoever. But when I graduated high school and got merits I don't underestimate myself anymore. In college, I even got 100 for a prelim grade!! Also, no less than 89!! Really, I think that, it's really all in the state of mind.

If I failed, I know that it's not because I have not done my best but because I'm still lacking something. I still have something to improve, something to hone, something to shape up within me to make me stronger the next time. I failed not because I was stupid but because I'm just a human being who aimed high and who came down hard. I failed because of my weakness and not because I don't have the guts. Sometimes, it might seem like I'm denying something. That I'm not admitting my mistake at all. Yes, maybe I'm assuring myself with false hope. But, I think that when you calm down and assure yourself that everything's going to be alright, your hypothalamus will send signals to your subconscious and your brain will truly believe that it's alright. Who would have thought that an average scorer like me would be a dean's lister? Somehow, I realized that I have done something I never did that's why I got what I never had. I realized, that if a person has a goal in life, then he or she will have a purpose for living continuously until forever.

I love and hate myself. I love myself when I think I've done something satisfactory. I love myself when everything's fine and I feel confident about something. I love myself when I have met the standards I set for myself. But, I hate myself when I waver in competition. I hate losing to myself and wasting my capabilities. I hate myself when I get so conceited and lose sight of things. I hate myself for being selfish at times. I hate myself for not being able to do something right, like when I was supposed to get high on a quiz but because I hesitated upon my answer, I got very low. I hate myself that way. I feel so disappointed with myself easily. I always sulk knowing that I'm at a great disadvantage all the time. I was supposed to do better than this or that. I was supposed to get this or that. But I haven't got this or that. What I got was disappointment, frustration, self-angst and all negative things I could feel to make myself feel the worst for failing.

I was happy that I got 100 for a prelim grade in one subject. However, I feel that such grade is useless especially if I got lower in other subjects. Right now, during midterm, I try to aim for balance in everything; that if I get 100 in one subject, I should get the same on others. I know very well how much I'm torturing myself. I know very well how desperate I am becoming. But you see, I never expected to be appreciated for my hard work. I've never expected to be praised or to be looked upon. I have a dream. I want to make that foolish dream come true. But I feel sick at myself at this moment. I studied hard for a quiz and I get nothing but barely passing. I worked hard for a report but I was just scorned upon. Yes, that wasn't be the first nor the last. I have actually just begun to realize that everytime I try so hard, I fail on it. I wanted to get something and aimed for it yet never got it. That is the way my life goes. I try hard and fail. Achievements? Yeah, I had them. I was thankful for them but, they weren't everything at all. I wanted to make one dream come true and make it reverberate forever in my memory. I'm finding temporary happiness because first of all I've always been temporarily happy. My life consists of routines. I barely acknowledge my wins because sooner than I think, I lose something great.

I'm not happy about it and I feel hurt. I wasn't taught how to be good to myself. I wasn't taught how to be strong. I was just warned and all but I never felt anyone come and save me from myself. It was always like that. Even if I feel lonely, it's not like I could say it out loud. After all, my mother is working abroad. Who am I to be so selfish as to will her to go home just because I'm lonely? Who am I to complain that life is getting hard for me and that it's cruelty is gnawing at me? Who am I to complain of being me? This paradoxical situation deeply revolts me. I have no right to question God for making me 'me.' I have no right to complain about everything when I'm really just having it easy. That's why even if I cry because I didn't get perfect in everything, I don't care about the world. My dream is ambitious and everyone could laugh along with the world. I am foolish for trying to aim a sky-high goal. I am stupid for doing as much as dreaming.

But I want to dream continuously. I want to keep on finding my resolve again and again everytime I feel hatred for myself and mentally torment myself. I still want to get the dream I have set upon. I still want to get what I want. That is my desire for living right now. Tomorrow, the day after and weeks later, things might change but I won't stop. I'll probably become a pessimist again like how I am now. But I'll try to manage these hurtful feelings. I will work harder even if I'll lose something again. I'll work harder because I'm not the only one fighting life. I'll work harder as long as I live. I don't want praise. I would try not to feel conceit. I will hope. Lastly, I will become. Those words might seem nonsensical and they're probably fragment of a sentence. But, grammar doesn't matter as of the moment. I have taken out and poured my hurtful feelings into typing. I am satisfied and light. Also, I think I'm feeling...hungry...

 

 

 

I'm not doing this in advance for New Year. Not that it has anything to do with New Year at all. This week, I'll be having my prelim exams and somehow I'm losing my cool about studying. I got the will alright, to do my best in my exam because I want to be on the Dean's List after all. Also, I want to make my mother happy. However, I can't help but be lazy and surf the net uncontrollably. It's not like I can't do this anymore, right? I mean, after exams, I'll have all the time I want to do such. But why is it so hard for me to do so? I want to get high grades but why do I slack off? Why am I so unconsciously stubborn at times when I shouldn't be? Where is my resolution? Have I lost inspiration again? Is it because I don't have anyone to support me right now? Am I really that weak, honestly? I feel disgusted to this side of me. This stubborn, irritating, and lying side of me. Is this all I can do after how many times I've worked hard? Is this how I will end my dreams just because I've grown tired of hoping? Am I such a coward that I can't even sacrifice for the better good. Isn't this selfishness also wants to get another selfishness? Isn't everything I've been wanting to have because of all this selfishness?! How stupid of me. In truth, I'm just doing all of it for myself and yet I can't even do a good job! What will happen in the future if I continue like this?!! That's why I always lose to myself because I am so naive!! I'm so naive as to what I've been doing all this time. How could I have been so stupid?! Honestly, I would want to torture myself as many times as I could and yet I can never win to myself. That's why I hate this side of me. This side of me that hurts me the most. This side of me that is very weak, a coward and obnoxious. I won't give up, I won't give up. But no matter how many times I'll say it I'll easily give up in the process. I can never win like this. As long as I continue to be conquered by my weaknesses, I'll never be strong. That's why...I have to do something for myself. I have to do something if I really want to get what I want. After all,"If you want to have something you never had, then do something you never did."

WANT TO TRY DYING THIS ONCE?

Those are the meaning of the words as Enma Ai from Jigoku Shoujo anime says everytime she sends someone to hell. If you access on the website "Hell Correspondence" during midnight exactly, if your grudge is strong, she will appear before you ready to send the person you hate the most to hell. But, with an equal collateral of course: your soul will also be sent to hell when you die.

This anime has already two seasons (both licensed and dvds are sold) with 26 episodes each. A third season has just aired this October entitled Jigoku Shoujo Mitsugane. The first season is called Jigoku Shoujo while the second is called Jigoku Shoujo Futakomori.

The anime actually is a series of short stories about people who came into certain circumstances and gradually send those who hurt them and those they hate to hell despite the consequence. The stories are quite reflective since not everyone deserves to be sent to hell by some petty grudge. Also, Enma Ai (or the hell girl=jigoku shoujo) is quite neutral to her clients (those who access her hell correspondence website). Even if the person her client hates is actually good, there are no exceptions.

Actually, Enma Ai also has her personal reasons upon having no exceptions on her job as ferrying souls to hell. It was a punishment to her and at the same a condition so that the soul of her parents won't go to hell and wander for eternity. So, that's why she has to maintain an emotionless judgment to all her clients.

She was not alone, however, since on her way to her jobs she has met three people whom she invited to come and help her with her job. The three people become her straw dolls in which each she gives when she appears to her clients. The straw dolls has a red string around the neck and if it is loosen up, the person the client hates will disappear on Earth and be sent to hell with corresponding karma experiences.

The first season was actually fluid and later on introduces a journalist who saw one person disappearing in front of him. Later on, he was intrigued of the Hell Correspondence website and began investigating about Jigoku Shoujo. His daughter had caught a glimpse of Enma Ai on a bus railway crossing and started seeing visions of the places where Ai's new clients are. Thus, through his daughter's visions, he was able to see for himself the cases Enma Ai takes and decides to stop her.

The second season became very interesting. Although, the series still shows short stories, there was an introduction of the background of Enma Ai's three assistants. Also, there is a new character that somehow makes a mess later in the season. There was a great development within the bond of the main characters(Enma Ai and her three assistants) and the personality with the characters themselves. The plot of the series takes a turn towards a village that consecutively accesses the Hell correspondence and send their neighbors to Hell. The obsession has come to the point that every disappearance, they blame it to a boy named Takuma who they nicknamed 'Devil's Child.' Everyone was going crazy and somehow seemed to have the knack of sending anyone to hell despite the trivial reasons. The ending of the series will leave you totally speechless.

I cannot say much of the third season since it just aired and I can't have any solid remarks about it. But I believe that the first few episodes currently released showed such promising standards. The first episode has an epic scene to start with.

All throughout, this anime was awesome since it is rather heart-wrenching and eye-catching. I love the morality viewed in its stories and how we as humans realize how far our hatred can go. Though there isn't a real Enma Ai in this world to send the people we hate to hell, we are making our own hell out of our own grudges and also striving on the 'world's everyday hell.' Also, the wisdom spurred in the series is very true to the point. That wisdom is, "Even if you send someone to hell and your consequence is that you will also go to hell, this and that are different things. What you did on Earth will come to you from Earth." It means that there's a different hell on Earth with different consequences. We can say it's karma in the essence. Muhahaha...lol

 

 

 

Hahha...I feel like in a study mode knowing that I have like 4 days left before a new semester. I somehow ran out of animes to watch and mangas to read. I'm somehow determined to really be on the Dean's List this new sem. HONESTLY, I'm really sad that I got a low WPA. AS IN, when I computed my grades, I swear the registrar or whoever needs to fix their lenses. Oh well, at least I didn't get a failing grade but T_T it's still far ahead to be on my goal. Hayyy, that's why I really have to do my best on the next sem. I'm planning to have a well-to-do advance study on my new lessons so that I'll be able to gear up in class. But, of course, I won't forget my passion in it. Hahaha, if I just feel like getting ahead of others, I will never succeed. I do have to grow up with such paradigm.

On the other hand, finally, I was enrolled a while ago. Good thing that I have nothing else to think of anymore about what to do when there's so many people suffocating you as you wait in line for your turn...Hahaha...Anyway, I'm glad that I got awesome references for my advance study and all I really need to have is the right attitude. I have to do my best note-taking at the moment what's important and then analayze them later. Ahhh, kimuchiii (feels so good). When a new term starts, I really get excited at new things to come.  Hahhaha, but when I get half-way, I become lazy. That always happen to me. At the starting line, I'm all geared up but when I'm at the climactic position, like a short story, there begins a falling action. It's like that all the time. But I realize that it's natural in this life. We have to make a lot of mistakes in order to learn and we have to learn to gain wisdom. Awww...wow what did I just say?? Sometimes, an idiot like me can say a lot of cool words without even noticing hahhaahaha...

Anyway, I'm really happy to have a new layout for my blog. Honestly, it was a hard work for me this dawn trying to edit the html of the template I used...Haaayyy, whew, finally, the finish product is giving me awestruck feelings...thy fruit of thy labor...hahhaha

Oh well, laugh at me for being happy at such a trivial thing. I don't care. Hahhaha...WAIT, I should be on a study mode instead of blabbering. Ooooh, I feel excited because we'll have Theology this sem. I'm intrigued because a lot of people say it's hard or something. But, I don't really know hahaha. That's why it's really essential for me to study ahead so that I'll be able to catch up with the flow of my prof. Anyway...I think tomorrow will probably like plunging into battlefield. If I want to have something I never had, then I must do something I never did BEFORE. Hahaha, see the word BEFORE there...Yeah, I'm somehow getting crazy babbling babbling babboonss wee...

Chotto matte, what the heck...just getting the right attitude beats me already. Hahha...I'm always laughing at nothing, so silly of me...Hmmm, I think I don't really know what to write anymore ^_^

Oooh, oh, oh, I really love watching anime and if you readers out there have nothing to do I'll recommend a newly released anime this fall. It has some romance genre so probably some might like it. However, I have to admit that the story is wonderful!!! Hheehehe..want to see it, want to see it??! go to this site then--> http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-466574/Earl-and-Fairy-Episode-1.html   to see the first eppie...hehhe that's all I really can say for now...jaa ne.. ^_^

 

 

 

 

It's not about the movie and the novel with the same title (the movie which will be coming out this November!!). It's more about me...my life. Yeah, it sucks alright (unless you want to hear about vampires). Unluckily, it's the time of month again and as usual my mood is swinging in and out of depression. My happiness or chance of having happines is declining...slowly ripping me into pieces. I hate it every time I fail in anything I wanted to be good at. It is my petty pride that makes me so envious of others and loathe myself.

It is because I fail that I am unhappy. It is because I know that I have so many weaknesses that tend to crush me when I'm at my softest and vulnerable period. I get hurt too, you know...when I feel as if the world seems to hate me: depriving me of the things I so wanted to achieve. I am a human and can be selfish too. But on top of it all, I just really want to find my spot in the world. Being in college right now, I never thought or expected that in just one semester, I have cursed myself so many times for every mistake I have committed. I am indeed cruel to myself. I do have high expectations for myself. Although I fail because it was my mistake also, it somehow frustrates me. Why do I seem to take everything for granted until the last minute? I don't like it. I don't like how inferior I feel right now thinking about myself. I have a dream. But why does that dream seems so far away from my sight? Why is it that as I strive to try to give out my best, I become so lousy? Why do I get afraid and always face disappointments?

My best friend had told me before that maybe later in life,I will attain ultimate happiness. Is that even possible? In eternal life maybe. But right now, on Earth, I don't think so. Even now, I can't still imagine it from becoming into reality. I know that I'm truly pessimistic and I don't really need consolation. I just wonder if there would even be a time for me to be truly happy. I realized, you see, that all the happy memories I have collected, left only temporary sensations that may have been influential before but have faded as time pass.

Ahhhh, ever since the "emo" word sprung out it does hung unto people who are overly emotional huh. Anyway, I'm somehow feeling a little better after a gush of anger, regret, sorrow (you name it) etc. I really am a perfectionist. Haayyyy, can I still have hope and regain my resolve?